So on and off I've been debating this and it's come to this result. I really don't want to go to cons any more even if it's to see friends. I have lost all interest in socialization. I spent the last two years working my ass off to be socially acceptable into society as I do have problems and now I don't even want to try. I've tried to be more open about when I'm not feeling well and it's back fired. People are telling me I'm negative and complaining yet I've hidden all my troubles with me for over ten years and just now I have been able to speak up. I think I will go back to just keep things to myself. If I kill myself I really don't care. I can be as honest as possible and stay true to myself as possible but some little shit always has to bring me down. I don't even like going out to any places any more. I've always hated going out but I had a few quiet places that I did enjoy and now it's just as everything in this world is, ruined by people. I still very much love cosplaying but I would rather just do it at home. Honestly I never thought I would get this bad. I don't want to go to cosplay prom this weekend or animethon next month. I'm not sure how to break the news to my mom, she's going to think that's really weird I suddenly don't want to go and I'll probably get the "I'm not trying" speech yet I've done everything that's out their to help myself. I hate human beings so much, they just tear at each other. I haven't had a friend that I could completely be myself around or if I did we drifted apart over the years. My mind feels messed up, I keep having these stupid dreams of some one dying or me talking to them before they die or they say they have died in the past or something, but they feel like memories which is messing me up since I do have PTSD. So I wonder if it's a dream or memory. Usually you can tell the difference though but this one in particular I can't. Other things are triggering my memories too though and I'm having things come back that I had completely forgotten. A lot of them make me want to throw up. I know who I am and I'm happy with my self but other people still want to push you down, and I'm so tired of fighting or having to brush it off.
Why is it that some people can be complete assholes but considered awesome.
Too many people have a set idea about me which is usually the opposite of what I am then get offended when I'm not said idea. I'm tired of having to defend myself, I shouldn't have to, I don't break the law, I don't hurt people, if I do it's by accident and I WILL go back apologize or the person has to be just a rude excuse of a human being but even then I don't think I could physically hurt them, I try to understand people and be welcoming and friendly even though I still come off a little cold or stupid. It's like no one wants to meet me half way unless it's on their terms and not a comprimise. I think my biggest regret is making friends. Friends with animals are fine but with people is such a waste. People are so jealous and greedy. You could give them everything and they'd still want more. I don't get it. I could use a cuddle from Lily right now but she's at my parents. I want to kill myself but I probably won't. I'm too tired of so many failed attempts previously and loosing my place that I won't even try anymore. A friend of mine even suggested looking up pictures of suicides to kind of scare my self out of the act. I never told her , well she'll see this now, but that actually made it less scay. My reaction to see half dead bleeding or rotting dead bodies was "We'll it doesn't look that bad." I try to tell myself that it would be horrifying for my mom to find, and it makes me cry but I think to myself "We'll my mom is upset by even simple things and maybe she'll finally get herself some therapy that is way over due. " I'm glad I have the place to myself tonight, so I can just cry. I tried watching funny things but I'm at that numb point where it's like I can't feel anything and everything feels hazy and like I'm asleep. I really want to be left alone. It would be nice if it was for a whole year. I love my family and friends but sometimes it's hard to keep up with. I've really only been talking to this one friend that I talk to pretty much everyday because I can be depressed and she's not going to say "Cheer up and smile, it will be better cause life is great." instead she checks if I'm okay and tells me to wait till the next day when my head is clearer or have a nap or something sensible. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere in this world. That's fine, because I really don't want to any way but I'd at least like to have my peace. I think I'm going to head to bed now. I don't want any night terrors or flash backs but I'm tired so I want to go rest. That's where I'm at.
That's why I like sleeping because it's peaceful so long as you have good dreams.